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Posts Tagged ‘self realizations’

For many years of my life I tended to blame others for who I was, where I was at in my life, and what I could and could not become.  All of these things were not up to me, it was in fact for other people to decide based on their issues and their problem…..Not mine!

In a strange way, someplace within me I knew that this was a smokescreen meant to keep me safe and secure in old behaviors and ways of being that I believed were comfortable for me!  I couldn’t have been more wrong for me in that moment!

One day I had the realization that time was going by and I had not shifted, readjusted my needs, wants, feelings and beliefs to fit with where I was on that day!

What a realization, I was 20 years behind myself!

It was time to change but how on earth was I to do that?

I worked and worked at attempting to come up with a plan and finally I got it!  Just be me, but I certainly had no idea of what that meant and who I was!  That is the day I began to live in the moment and be really focused in that moment as it arose!

I learned that:

  • Being in the moment is being me
  • No one really knows themselves unless they do live in the moment
  • My thoughts change momentarily
  • My behaviors change momentarily
  • My feelings change in an instant
  • No two situations are identical, nor have they ever been identical
  • My beliefs change with me as I learn and grow
  • I am totally responsible for me
  • I am response able for my actions, I decide
  • My thoughts create my reality
  • I choose it all in my life
  • THEREFORE, I create it all ….my thoughts, behaviors, feelings and beliefs!

Knowing these things today has freed me from having to put up smokescreens with my behaviors and actions to keep me safe…..I have learned to be safe, just as I am, in this moment, right here, right now and I do have the choice in this moment to be me, real, alive and move from moment to moment with or without any preconceived beliefs and outcomes.

Peace, love, light and blessings

“White Eagle”

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The human being I am today, is certainly not visibly and behaviorally  the same human who existed several years ago!

This is the story of what was once known as the Lady of Stone………… that lady was me!

As a child I was taught to excel, be smart, do things right, think before I spoke, use my head, and excel in everything that I did. It was a difficult road for me attempting to be perfect, when inside I felt imperfect, excited about learning from my mistakes, I loved to play, sense my world and everything that existed in it. When I reached my early teenage years, the perfection that was expected of me was just too much so I became a rebel who wanted to explore my world my way. This was not to be if I wanted to succeed in life, so I changed my life around and learned to shut off all of my feelings, gave them all up in order to be successful in school and life.  I believed within me that I would never be good enough, never succeed in life, and I knew that in order to belong in this world and this society it was important to not feel.  Feelings were for women, and women could not move ahead in life having feelings, so I shut them all off and entered to the world of men, education and total brain training.  The more I trained my brain, the more removed I became from my feeling self.  I eventually got to the point in my life where I had descriptive words for only three feelings:

  • Good
  • Bad
  • Angry

It was not to long before I even gave up those feelings, or any indication that I even knew what those feelings were.

You see, any sign of feelings, I believed left me vulnerable and open to the world around me, and the world that I lived in was not a kind and loving world, it was a world of business, success, control, hurt and manipulation!  This is when I knew that I had successfully become the Lady of Stone and I believed this kept me safe from the outside world!

After many years of being stuck in my head and my thoughts, my world started to spin out of control.  I became only a walking shell of a human being, and I was led to take a course which saved my life.  This course taught me to be a human being mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I learned to have feelings, accept me and be real!

During this course many strong individuals assisted me to understand how I had locked up my feelings, how I believed that showing any sign of emotion or feeling, was viewed by me as being a weakness and would stop me from moving ahead intellectually, monetarily, physically and successfully in life.

Wow, did I have that mixed up!

Once I relocated my feeling self, I became real, successful and in touch with reality and all of the beauty in this world.

Today I know how I feel, how to change my feelings, live in the moment and be real!  I accept the success and lessons  that come to me from being  all that I am, with all that I feel, sense and believe !

Every day I give thanks for the understanding I have gained through knowing my feeling and emotional self !

Peace, love, light, blessings and reality f or us all today!

“White Eagle”

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Upon waking this morning I was able to arise with some personal resolution in regards to some external issues and circumstances happening around me.
After feeling a range of emotions (which I hate at the time but appreciate later) I have come to the realization of a number of different things.

  • Firstly, I did my ultimate best,  and I don’t mean a half assed sorta kinda best, I mean I went above and beyond what I even knew I was capable of doing. I became someone so much stronger and more capable than I ever knew myself to be.
  • Secondly, I did what I had to do in the face of extremely uncertain circumstances, for me. I was forced to take action to take care of myself possibly for the first time in my life.  I learned that in taking care of myself, that in turn was also taking care of the people in my life whom I love and care for the most.
  • Thirdly, I learned a life changing lesson!  I learned that most people are afraid. They are afraid to be on their own, and to be forced to do the best that they possibly can because it means that they have to get in touch with their own personal integrity and also it means that they can no longer live the role of being the victim.  They are forced to become the creator of their lives, and in so doing they must face the responsibility of their own actions. I have learned that in the face of extreme adversity it forces us to choose which road we are going to travel down. And in turn it forces us to weigh the importance of that which we thought we knew to be “true”, and important. I have experienced that the truth that I live, is not necessarily the truth that other people live, but it is OK because they do not have the same experiences to draw from as I have and vice- versa.
  • Mostly, I have learned a most important lesson that I now realize after feeling many different emotions and that is one of forgiveness. I realize that another person’s actions can only be from the basis of how they are feeling at that time, and as a culmination of who they have become in their lifetime. I know mostly that they do what they do from the automatic response of being in fear. I know that what a friend did, she did because she did not have the skills or the capacity at this time to deal with her own inner turmoil and in an effort to make herself feel better she directed it at me. And I can see the extent of her own inner turmoil by how she directed it in what she felt would be the most hurtful way possible. If I can look at it with this knowledge I can now see that she did what she did because she is afraid, and in an effort to make herself feel better her own ignorance and ego got in her way. I know it is her own lesson to learn, it came from her arising of her own issues of abandonment and inferiorty, and many more which I do not care to know. The repercussions of her actions will be hers to deal with as she moves forward in her life, not mine. And so I am left with the only thing I have in my power to do, and that is to move on with my life knowing that I am the best person I can possibly be. And I extend to her forgiveness for her actions knowing now that there is nothing that she or anyone else can do to me to take away my sense of personal pride in knowing I was honest and true to myself. At this time I feel empathy towards her for the grief that she must be feeling over the wreckage of her own ego. There is no one on this planet that has the power to get the best of me. Only I have that power and I direct it only where I choose from this moment in time and forward into eternity.

Thank you Creator for this life expanding lesson.  Today I am in gratitude for my new found sense of awareness of myself and the boundaries I own in order for me to know myself.

“Kisa”

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